Claiming Joy: Five Simple Ways to Connect with Teens

We could all use a little more joy these days, which doesn’t mean ignoring the suffering around us. We need joy because it transmutes suffering, if only for a moment. Part of the difficulty in claiming joy might be wrapped up in truly understanding what joy really is, for it isn’t the same thing as happiness.

Even thinking about these two words, takes us to different places inside. Happiness may bring up a memory of laughter, a fun experience, or a deeply satisfying period in life where, for the most part, we were truly happy. But what is joy? And how can we access it with the young people we love?

As a psychotherapist and former yoga teacher, I’ve observed what can happen when someone works through a personal block and discovers the ability to experience relationships at a whole new level. For Joy can never be measured by how many people follow us, or acknowledge us, or claim us as friend, family, or lover.

Joy is intimate, and stems from the connection that happens when we experience someone or something as exquisitely important, and beautiful beyond measure.

Most parents, myself included, would say that accessing joy with teenagers can at times be challenging. After all, the goal of this life stage is to cultivate separation, pushing the boundaries of school and family rules. There can be less room for joy when a caring adult is trying to ascertain the best response.

These are the times we may have to work a little harder to find Joy.

Whether responding to a boundary-pushing teen or managing the ongoing challenges of the pandemic, pausing to notice moments of Joy, however fleeting, recalibrates and enlivens our spirit, which in turn makes a difference in how we understand the challenge at hand.

Joy is sharing who we most deeply are, and discovering in the process what it’s like to find ourselves and lose ourselves all in an instant. Perhaps more than any other emotion, even grief, joy binds us to each other.

The beauty of accessing Joy with young people is the connecting quality these moments hold. Although the experience for adult and teen may be different, it is nevertheless a moment shared. There’s a pause in the rush of daily life, a return to the sense that, “We are in this together.”

Here are five simple ways to cultivate joy with teens, and none require too much time or forethought. In fact, some of the purest experiences of joy happen spontaneously, in moments when we least expect it. These are just a few tips to widen the doorway, so that joy can be ushered in:

1) Schedule a Date. We all know that putting away devices is important, but what we do instead is becoming less clear. Making a date to be with a young person, device-free, can be uncomfortable at first, but makes room for moments of authentic, real-time Joy.

2) Talk about the Mirrors. Our “mirrors” are the people, places and things that help us connect with ourselves. They often cross our path in unexpected forms, like the cashier at the check-out counter, or an acquaintance we’ve never taken the time to know but who is always really glad to see us. Mirrors are the small reminders of who we are to the world. Exploring the concept of mirrors with teens helps them identify and access their own mirrors when needed.

3) Get Creative. Creativity is good for everyone. Making space for it, even 10 minutes, takes us out of our heads and into the present moment. Joining with young people in a creative project makes room for connection and shared Joy.

4) Find the Wild places. They are everywhere, even in the cities. All we have to do is pay attention. We can ask young people what aspect of nature draws them in, inviting the wild part of them to recognize it as uniquely beautiful. That’s joy.

5) Be of Service. When we join with young people in a service project, we invite humility. And humility is a pure pathway to joy. We need only think of the people we know who are truly selfless. Joy emanates from these folks like sunlight on water. Being of service to friends and family, strangers in need, or a charity organization, keeps teens connected to something larger than themselves. Service introduces hope, and allows us to feel like we are making a difference. Because indeed we are.