HELPING TEENS BUILD DISCERNMENT
When teenagers aren’t sure what to do with a social dilemma, whether large or small, they will often just pick a side. This may occur in benign form, such as choosing between two styles of sneakers that are both trending; or a more intense variety, such as choosing which friend group to align with in a social battle.
Whatever the matter at hand, teendom is a lifestage that necessitates the power of choice, for choice is how teens separate themselves from the masses and claim who they truly are. Developmental theorist, Erik Erikson, identified this stage as “Identity Versus Role Confusion,” because with every choice a teenager makes, they are either separating or joining with those around them. If the choice has to do with sneakers, then there will be a minor calibration that occurs in the heart and mind of said teenager: I choose this pair among all the rest.
Choices are made every day by every human, but teenagers are literally paving the way for their future identity and sense of themselves through the daily calibrations that occur with choice.
When it comes to social dilemmas that are anything but benign, teen groups are famous for presenting choices laden with pressure, requiring discernment that age and maturity level hasn’t yet afforded. In fact, few young people leave the confines of high school without falling into either or both camps: the person who joins or the person who is expelled.
What can we do to support teenagers in making the kinds of choices that will best serve them?
We can build discernment by asking reflective questions that help them determine who they are and what they believe. In my book for young adults, I talk about self-knowledge as a means to empowerment. Assisting teens with self-discovery is like giving them a road map for their future relationships. Of course, there are a myriad of relationship categories to choose from, but let’s say you’re discussing your teen’s new experiences with dating. There are a few conversational pathways that are easy avoid, yet crucial for healthy boundaries and positive self-image. Here are some examples of what a reflective question might look like:
1) What does (insert name) appreciate most about you?
2) What are you learning to appreciate about yourself as a result of the relationship?
3) Do you feel comfortable sharing your opinions openly with (insert name)?
4) How do you handle things when you disagree with each other?
5) How does (insert name) help you feel more confident about yourself?
No matter what, these types of questions will build discernment, even in teens who are resistant to questions. You’re still planting a seed, one that will encourage further reflection long after they’ve vacated the premises to meet up with (insert name). Who knows, you may even hear your beloved young person repeat back to you later the same tidbit of personal awareness you helped them achieve.
